Mistake One Doesn’t Want To Make at a Seder

Hiding the Kofi Annan instead of the Afikoman.


Lines Not to Utter on the Precipice of Losing One’s Virginity

“First time, long time.”


Selections from Ladies Love the D: The Tweets of Justin Pelletier

New Enthusiast contributor and University of New Hampshire sophomore Justin Pelletier made his long-awaited Twitter debut this week. Using the handle @ChicksDigJustin, Pelletier has taken to the microblogging site with gusto to issue his trademark boasts, incantations, ruminations, and penis aphorisms. Below is a choice selection of recent Pelletier tweets. Stay tuned for future dispatches.

I’ve got March Madness in my pants.

Thinking of getting a tatt of an AR-15 on my business.

I hold the record for being the youngest kid to blow up a car with a crossbow.

When I turned 12 I had to get an FID for my wang.

For a second there I thought Neil deGrasse Tyson had a whole TV show about my balls.

As soon as I finish eating this steak and cheese, the world shall know my name.

Apparently I have been marinading in white privilege.

My boy Dougie C. drank two thirty packs yesterday. He’s not conscious. Either blacked out or dead. Probably dead. #CircleOfLife

America’s purest poetry is uttered in anticipation of cheese steaks at food trucks after last call.

Last night I ate a theater kid’s puppet.

A Venn diagram of poetry and my junk would amount to a single circle.


New Enthusiast Koan #3

If a Bunga Bunga party happens in a soundproofed and padded pleasure chamber in the forests of Calabria, and Silvio Berlusconi, with the assistance of South Korea’s women’s badminton squad, achieves Full Vesuvius, does it make a sound?


New Enthusiast Koan #2

Get jiggy without it.


New Enthusiast Koan #1

Devise a sabermetrics of Narnia.


The Last Three Lines of Frost’s “The Road Not Taken,” As Rewritten by Justin Pelletier, 19

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one that led to a party at my boy Rick’s apartment,
And that has made all the difference because now I’m hammered.


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