Ecstatic Truth Keys to the Game

Maybe, once upon a time, the Keys to the Game portion of Fox’s MLB coverage made sense. Maybe, in this hypothetical long ago, supposed “analyst” Tim McCarver actually pointed to what he considered critical factor to each team’s success—things like “working the count” or even “trying to score more runs than the other team.” Were that ever the case, it very definitely no longer is. Now he (ie McCarver) says mind-blowingly obvious things like “Tampa: Don’t want to go down 0-2″ (as he did last night), or legitimately crazy things like “Remember Aug. 30” (which Fire Joe Morgan mentions in one of their recent gallimaufries).

What I’d shout at Fox executives, were I given the chance, is that, as long as no baseball-specific knowledge is required for these various Keys to the Gameses, it might make sense to just let a different, beloved personality take a swing at it (pun! intended!) every night so that we hapless fans didn’t have to spend that portion of the game hating Tim McCarver, Keys to the Game official sponsor Ford, and our own selves for watching in spite of our own better judgement.

So that you might get a better idea of what I mean, I’ve taken some time out of my very busy day to ask some of these aforementioned personalities what they think the Keys to the Game might be for Game 3 of the Rays – Phillies World Series. Below are their totally real, so-not-fabricated responses.

BUILT FORD TOUGH KEYS TO THE GAME

Tampa at Philadelphia, Game 3 2008 World Series

Bill Cosby

Phillies: Eat a pudding pop!

Rays: Stop using race as an excuse for your Game 1 loss.

Frank Caliendo

Phillies: To help your offense, do an impression of Tampa Bay slugger BJ Upton. A kind of short, chubby impression.

Rays: Convince the Phillies, by means of an aggressive, slightly desperate-seeming ad blitz, that they should watch you win the World Series.

Every Professional Athlete Ever

Phillies: Just play hard, take advantage of your opportunities, and grind it out.

Rays: Just grind it out, play hard, and take advantage of your opportunities.

My Teenage Neighbor Who’s Really Into Settlers of Catan

Phillies: Try to establish a monopoly on wood resource cards, so that you can horde all the bats.

Rays: Try to get the development card called Win Baseball Game.

A Small Child Who’s Never Even Watched a Baseball Game but Has an Idea of What the Rules Are

Phillies: Score more runs than the other team.

Rays: see “Phillies, Keys to the Game”