Selected Aphorisms #20
Posted: February 16, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, bees, observational comedy, Western Canon Leave a comment »The twentieth installment in our decades-long new series.
Comedy: an animated bee with the voice of Jerry Seinfeld.
Tragedy: that same animated bee, first killing its father then marrying its mother.
Thanks?
Posted: February 16, 2009 Filed under: Other 1 Comment »When asked, usually by Craig Sager and his weaponized haberdashery, what makes All-Star weekend such a special event, to a man every player said it was the chance to do something meaningful for the fans.
Which is so nice, you know? That these guys would take time out of their busy schedules to play a basketball game just so we could watch? I mean, that’s really, really thoughtful.
Selected Aphorisms #19
Posted: February 15, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, ballin', Benjamin Peret Leave a comment »The nineteenth installment in our preposterous new series.
It’s a fact: Benjamin Peret is the best poet never to make an All-Star team.
Selected Aphorisms #18
Posted: February 14, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, In re the ladies Leave a comment »The eighteenth installment in our romantic new series.
For the gentlemen out there, a little advice: all things being equal between two ladies, choose the one who lived through the Great Depression.
Selected Aphorisms #17
Posted: February 13, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, revelation, Rudy Fernandez 3 Comments »The seventeenth installment in our jesuitical new series.
On January 28th, Rudy Fernandez made a behind-the-back pass of such an improbably spontaneous nature that it was difficult not to acknowledge the presence of God in the act.* So you could imagine anyone’s surprise when, on the front page the next day, there was a big news story about the economy, another one about the war, but not one mention of Rudy’s pass. Even the game report itself omitted to recognize the miracle! Maybe someone would say, “Why make a fuss? It’s only a game, it’s not important.” Not important? God makes Himself conspicuous, and it’s not important?! What does a deity gotta do around here to get a little press?
*Here. Around 0:47. (Try 0:27 and 1:42 while you’re at it.)
Selected Aphorisms #16
Posted: February 12, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, the present (fleeting nature of) Leave a comment »The sixteenth installment in our topical new series.
Be wary of those who dot their speech with phrases like “In these difficult times” or “In times like these.” The Enthusiast is not in the habit of allowing something so inconsequential as “the times” influence his thoughts and actions.
Selected Aphorisms #15
Posted: February 11, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, impossible (things that are basically) Leave a comment »The fifteenth installment in our platonic new series.
To be reading, and to forget that I’m reading: that’s a great a pleasure. To be driving, and to forget that I’m driving: that’s incredibly dangerous. To be freaking, and to forget that I’m freaking: that’s basically impossible.
Selected Aphorisms #14
Posted: February 10, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, proprietary methods 3 Comments »The fourteenth installment in our eye-popping new series.
I get embarrassed when total strangers approach me on the street just to say thanks or when adoring undergraduates show up in droves to hear me read from my oeuvre or when critics refer to me off-handedly as the greatest mind of my generation. Enough of that, people, it’s unnecessary. I’m a normal guy and I do all the things that normal guys do. All of them, with one exception, that is: when I get dressed in the morning, I actually don’t put my pants on one leg at a time.
Selected Aphorisms #13
Posted: February 9, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, farm animals, gender studies Leave a comment »The thirteenth installment in our paradigm-shifting new series.
To ask which came first, the chicken or the egg, is to overlook the contributions of the rooster.
Selected Aphorisms #12
Posted: February 8, 2009 Filed under: Aphorisms | Tags: aphorism, intellectual property Leave a comment »The twelfth installment in our cat-like new series.
“Let each one become godlike and beautiful who would contemplate the divine and beautiful.” The author I’m expressly plagiarizing here is one I’m usually just plagiarizing accidentally.
McSweeney
Carson Cistulli
Woytek
daynperry
Najib
Sean Casey
Dan Lurie
