On Last Night’s Incident

In the event that the reader doesn’t immediately understand to which “incident” I’m referring in the title of this post, he or she need look no further than the conveniently embedded video which immediately follows these words.

What you see there isn’t pretty, folks. And if you’re seeing what I’m seeing, you’re seeing Lakers swingman Trevor Ariza remove a pistol from the waistband of his jockeyshorts, affix to the barrel of it (i.e. the pistol) what is commonly referred to as a “silencer,” and then attempt to assassinate, in cold blood, Blazers swingman – a.k.a. Enthusiast Numero One – Rudy Fernandez.

“But it’s just a hard foul in some dumb basketball game, Carson,” is what I hope none of you are saying. Sure, there are a lot of reasons to dismiss sport as hollow and excessively commercial, and sure, within the sport of basketball we see hard fouls all the time. Here’s a question, though: Oughtn’t the hard fouls be regarded differently when they are being perpetrated against a man (i.e. Rudy Fernandez) who isn’t so much a man as a symbol for all that is right in world? “Yes, Carson, you’re exactly right about that,” is what I hope all of you are saying in response.

I’ll admit it, when I saw Ariza foul Fernandez from behind, and when I saw Fernandez crumple like a sack of papas, and when I saw Ariza refuse to demonstrate any contrition for his woeful behavior, and when I saw the Blazers medical team affix a neck brace to the neck part of Rudy Fernandez, I lept up from my comfortable reclining chair, fetched my torch and pitchfork from the garage, and led an angry mob to the door of Trevor Ariza’s hotel room in downtown Portland, Ore. We were mad and we were gonna git him, I’ll tell you what.

But as I went to pry open Ariza’s door with the crow bar that one of the angry mobbers had remembered to grab from his garage, I stopped. I thought to myself, I thought, Is this what Rudy – that same Rudy Fernandez whose message of “loving, caring, and sharing” has rendered me (along with most other primates) a kinder, gentler, certainly happier person – is this what he would want? I realized the answer was no, obviously, and persuaded the teeming masses of the same. Situation averted, in other words.

And yet a warning still remains to all the would-be flagrant foulers out there: Regard with sufficient reverence Rudy Fernandez’s effect on our society. Remember that he is not just some incredibly handsome Spanish baller with crazy ups and a sweet trey bomb. Acknowledge that his very conspicuous relationship with God is as a soothing balm to his followers (read: everyone). And, for chrissakes, please don’t lay hands on him as he is rocketing skyward to deliver buzzer-beating fastbreak dunks. I thank you in advance.

Amen.