Selected Aphorisms #88

The eighty-eighth installment in our intermittent series.

I guard myself against insults, but even moreso against praise. Anyone who insults me is a fool. With those who praise me, it’s different: only some of them are fools.


Selected Aphorisms #87

The eighty-seventh installment in our occasionally dreadful series.

I channelled Rodney Dangerfield for a moment
and all I got was this natty dread.


Selected Aphorisms #86

The eighty-sixth installment in our divinyl series.

Who’s the God of Insouciance? I’d like to add him on Facebook.


Selected Aphorisms #85

The eighty-fifth installment in our super superficial series.

That girl — she has less of an hourglass, and more of a stopwatch, figure.


Selected Aphorisms #84

The eighty-fourth installment in our inquisitive series.

Answer: More Benson or more Mr. Belvedere?

Question: What’s an effective, question-long personality test?


Selected Aphorisms #83

The eighty-third installment in our periodically dramatic series.

The phrase Lay-Down Comedian is a euphemism for at least two things — as I will now demonstrate for the audience.


Selected Aphorisms #82

The eighty-second installment in our occasionally unusual series.

After reading Le Rochefoucauld, I’m capable of writing only sentence-long maxims. After reading Wodehouse, I can’t restrain myself from effecting the voice of a British aristocrat.

For the present aphorism, then, I’ve conducted an experiment: I read only my interior self.

“Your interior self?” the reader is maybe saying. “That’s impossible.” To which I respond: “You’re confusing the unusual and the impossible. This is an instance of the former.”


Selected Aphorisms #81

The eighty-first installment in our definitely not pornographic series.

I read minds, but just for the articles.


Selected Aphorisms #80

The eightieth installment in our constantly vigilant series.

CORRECTION: In Aphorism #75, I cited a fictional political debate called the Freaking Issue when, in point of fact, the Big Fanta Situation, Great Home-Gym Concern, or Panty Removal Initiative would have been more pleasing for the reader.


Selected Aphorisms #79

The seventy-ninth installment in our lexicographic series.

You write potato, I write potato.


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