Lines Not to Utter on the Precipice of Losing One’s Virginity

“First time, long time.”


Not Really a Sexy Comment

“Hey girl, this beef isn’t going to corn itself.”


Twitter Message from a Proctologist Friend

@NewEnthusiast Hey guys, just sent you a BM.


Notable Line from a Disney Remake of Wes Craven’s Scream

“The call is coming from inside the mouse.”


This Season’s Pilots, Part Six

Three more recently announced television pilots.

Part: One / Two / Three / Four / Five.

BARELY LEGAL
A Jackass-style show in which a group of otherwise polite adult citizens perform acts that are almost against the law, like keeping to one extreme edge of (although never actually exiting) a crosswalk while traversing a busy city street, or waiting, like, a full three-to-four days before requesting a new driver’s license after reloacting to a different state.

MEN BEFRIENDING MEN
A documentary-style program that records the awkward and slow process by which two heterosexual (and also generally white and middle-class) men establish a fraternal bond and attempt clumsily to share their feelings for one another.

MODEST HOUSE
A fantasy-genre sitcom in which a likable middle-class couple finds an affordable two-bedroom flat in a New York City neighborhood that hasn’t also contended with towering violent-crime figures in recent years.


Poem: Sound Advice for Anyone, But Mostly Kevin Spacey

Stop talking
about who
Kevin Spacey
should be
and just
be
Kevin Spacey


This Season’s Pilots, Part Five

Three more recently announced television pilots.

Part: One / Two / Three / Four.

OUT OF THIS TOWNSHIP
A remake of late-80s sitcom Out of This World set in rural Michigan — except, instead of another planet, Evie’s father lives in Battle Creek, and, instead of being an alien, he’s unemployed.

WHAT DOES KILL YOU
A formerly vibrant and beautiful and talented and independent and vibrant woman who has developed a debilitating and untreatable medical condition — and had her children taken by social services as a result — immediately and thoroughly depresses every person whom she burdens with her life story, such that they’re compelled, in a very real way, to contemplate the vagaries of affliction. Co-stars Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne from A Different World fame), or someone who just looks like him.

WOMAN OF COLOR
A stay-at-home mother with little more than an associate’s degree in Paralegal Studies is hired into an important managerial role at Crayola after noting in an online forum for parents that the raw-umber crayon “is a little caca-y” in her opinion. Notably, the mother in question is white, which either “problematizes” or “makes very confusing” the program’s title.


This Season’s Pilots, Part Four

Three more recently announced television pilots.

Part: One / Two / Three.

LET’S GET PHILANTHROPIST
Following the death of his wealthy father, a whimsical 30-something uses his considerable inheritance to fund absurd and amusing projects, like finding the first instance of Chinese cuts or identifying the genome that corresponds to good interior design.

RING IN THE EARS
Presented in real time literally over 40 episodes, a man attempts to occupy himself whilst accompanying his wife to the Met’s presentation of Wagner’s unbearable “Ring” cycle.

WIKIPEDIA BROWN
Having been made obsolete by the internet, former boy detective Leroy “Encyclopedia” Brown attempts to contend with the demons that haunt him at every turn in his dying hometown of Idaville.


Not a Real Saying About Birds

“Birds of a feather fart together.”


This Season’s Pilots, Part Three

Three more recently announced television pilots.

Part: One / Two.

ENTIRELY ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
A shot-for-shot remake of the popular sitcom Arrested Development, except featuring members of alternative hip-hop group Arrested Development as the dysfunctional Bluth family, with Speech as Michael Bluth and Mr. Wendal as both George Bluth Sr. and his twin brother Oscar.

LET IT BE UNDERWRITTEN
Following a near-death experience of his own, an insurance agent develops psychic powers, which he uses to tailor his clients’ policies to the precise injuries and accidents they’ll one day suffer — much to the displeasure of his employers, who search for legal grounds on which to terminate him.

ONE SMALL STEP
Follows the works and days of a reasonably pleasant and young urban professional who, after years of wearing the 993, makes a big transition to the New Balance 990 as his leisure footwear of choice.


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