Regarding My Prose Style

A critic has recently suggested that my prose is “borderline unreadable.”

No problem: I’ll relate the note to God, from whom I was merely taking dictation.

What to Actually Do When Life Hands You Lemons

Add pure grain alcohol, sugar, and water.

With Regard to My Drinking Practices

To the untrained eye, it might appear as though my libationary practices differ considerably from those of the Ancient Greeks’, who typically only drank unmixed wine to show respect for the dead.

In fact, I have adopted the Greek model; it’s just, I’m drinking in memory of all those who will die after me, as well.

Three Names That Did Not Belong to Ancient Greeks

• Aristophanes the Business Systems Consultant
• Diogenes the Level 71 Blood Elf Hunter
• Metrodorus the Conscientious Recycler

A Great Tip for Job Seekers in the Finance Industry

Don’t dress for the job you do have, dress for the job you used to have before the collapse of the global economy.

On Living Comfortably

Someone asked me the other day if I make enough to “live comfortably.”

I’m only a little ashamed to admit that I was unable to respond.

“Live comfortably,” he asks me — as if all of us hadn’t been sentenced to death by an unknown executioner!

Not a Quote from Abraham Lincoln

“You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but don’t fingerbang your step mom. Because that’s gross. And probably illegal.”