Baking soda sounds like bacon soda.
Now I gotta go buy some over-priced shit.
I teach on-line.
People ask me, What’s the best part of teaching on-line?
I say, There is no best part of teaching on-line.
But really, the best part of teaching on-line is grading papers on the pot.
Dear Kingsford Charcoal
I got pretty drunk on the fourth of July, celebrating America at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. We had really great chicken. Around 1 AM I took the can of Kingsford brand lighter fluid and drew a giant penis encircled by a heart on the driveway. I thought I would set it on fire to impress my girlfriend, but it wouldn’t light, and now there is a huge penis stain on her dad’s driveway and my girlfriend won’t touch me anymore. It’s a new driveway. How can I clean this shit up? Her parents are coming home soon. Your product is really great. It always sets on fire.
Fart whenever I pass a Capri Sun.
Tie helium balloons to my cigarettes and follow them around the room, taking little puffs as I go.
Walk around town with a sandwich board on that says
a) thinking about going gay for a weekend, or b) Can I smell you?
Put ketchup on my salad.
I encountered this logical fallacy while grading position papers today:
Because the U.S. has been compared to the Roman Empire, and because the Roman Empire fell, it therefore follows that the U.S. will fall just as Rome did.
It was my duty to correct the student with the following (excerpted) comment:
Magic Johnson, the famous basketball player for the L.A. Lakers, got H.I.V. and ended up with full-blown A.I.D.S. Another basketball player (we’ll call him Tony) has been compared to Magic Johnson, particularly because he is known to frequently practice un-safe sex. Therefore, because Tony has been compared to Magic Johnson, Tony will also acquire H.I.V. and end up with full-blown A.I.D.S.
This does not hold water.
The law firm I’ve been working for made me a partner today. Yesterday, I founded a world-wide towing corporation called “Big Tow.” On Tuesday I found out that my current wife is pregnant with sextuplets—all boys—and on Wednesday my ex-wife died in a seventy-five car pile-up on the way to the dentist. On top of that, on Friday I shot an 18 at mini golf on a business trip in Dallas, and on the flight home I impregnated all three flight attendants. It’s been a crazy week!
Today, as I was driving around in lovely Massachusetts, I saw this beautiful piece of land and I thought, “Now that would make a great spot for a landfill.”
I found a letter from Bill Clinton in my spam today. It began:
“Jonathan, I’ve been in President Obama’s shoes before.”
Do all presidents share shoes?