Selections from Ladies Love the D: The Tweets of Justin Pelletier

New Enthusiast contributor and University of New Hampshire sophomore Justin Pelletier made his long-awaited Twitter debut this week. Using the handle @ChicksDigJustin, Pelletier has taken to the microblogging site with gusto to issue his trademark boasts, incantations, ruminations, and penis aphorisms. Below is a choice selection of recent Pelletier tweets. Stay tuned for future dispatches.

I’ve got March Madness in my pants.

Thinking of getting a tatt of an AR-15 on my business.

I hold the record for being the youngest kid to blow up a car with a crossbow.

When I turned 12 I had to get an FID for my wang.

For a second there I thought Neil deGrasse Tyson had a whole TV show about my balls.

As soon as I finish eating this steak and cheese, the world shall know my name.

Apparently I have been marinading in white privilege.

My boy Dougie C. drank two thirty packs yesterday. He’s not conscious. Either blacked out or dead. Probably dead. #CircleOfLife

America’s purest poetry is uttered in anticipation of cheese steaks at food trucks after last call.

Last night I ate a theater kid’s puppet.

A Venn diagram of poetry and my junk would amount to a single circle.

This Season’s Pilots, Part Seven

Three more recently announced television pilots.

Part: One / Two / Three / Four / Five / Six.

SNOW DAY

30-year-old hotel manager Brent Giuliano appears for jury duty, bracing himself to traverse its vast desert of boredom with the companionship of The Mammoth Book of Sudoku. After completing all Sudoku games in his book, despair encroaches. The day of civic obligation and Giuliano’s spirits are saved when, at the last moment, he realizes a fellow juror, one Darrin O’Brien, is the Canadian rapper Snow, whose hit single “Informer” provided much of his soundtrack for 1992. O’Brien does not want to address his early oeuvre, but Giuliano cannot be deterred.

WHITE POWER

The Aryan Nation of Northern Connecticut enters the green energy marketplace with its “Green Energy for White People” initiative. Designed to reach out to white/green liberals who harbor racial animus, the campaign is spearheaded by Wayne Terry, Grand Ofay of the ANNC and terrific bowler. The show follows Terry on his entrepreneurial adventure, which fails as his alcoholism blossoms.

YOU CAN’T BRING A SEAL IN HERE

Follow former Sea World employee and rogue animal trainer Wally Fluke as he brings his voracious pet seal Sir Snacks-A-Lot to various establishments that do not serve seals. Episode One: sushi bar. Episode Two: nursing home. Episode Three: oriental massage parlor. Episode Four: Alcoholics Anonymous. Episode Five: breastfeeding support group. Episode Six: water aerobics at YMCA. Episode Seven: Bunga-Bunga party. Episode Eight: summer residence of Louis Farrakhan. Episode Nine: Pyongyang.

Justin Pelletier Is Not Going To Lie, Spent Good Portion Of Thursday Night Knocking Boots

Durham, NH—University of New Hampshire sophomore Justin Pelletier, 19, had intercourse Thursday. A gentleman doesn’t tell tales, but Justin Pelletier is not a gentleman. “It was pretty much straight doggy,” Pelletier said, with helpful accompanying gesture. What began at a party at an off-campus apartment on Vernon Street gave way to the night of memorable whoopie. “She was the hottest girl there,” Pelletier noted. “I think her name’s Nicole. We have some mutual friends and got to talking. Some drinks, some laughs. One thing led to another, and that thing led to doing it all night on my boy Rick’s futon. Sorry Rick.” Pelletier grinned. “What else can I tell you? Ladies love the D.” Asked if the night of fevered congress augured a romance in the offing, Pelletier hocked something up, spat it across the student union foyer, then looked away.