Whitman on Body Odor
Posted: February 24, 2012 Filed under: Discovery | Tags: body odor, Song of Myself, Whitman Leave a comment »Deep in the recesses of “Song of Myself,” Walt Whitman mounts the most poignant defense of body odor yet penned. He declares, proudly, “The scent of these arm-pits is aroma finer than prayer.”
I have employed this line many times, and can attest to its provocation and utility. It has, on more than a single occasion, reduced my accuser to tears, and groveling about the earth like an abject and stricken beetle in penance.
However, many other lines of Whitman can be deployed whenever one is accused of, well, anything. Take, as example, the following humdingers:
“All truths wait in all things…”
“I am the man…. I suffered…. I was there.”
“Swift wind! Space! My Soul!”
“I speak the password primeval.”
“What is a man anyhow? What am I? and what are you?”
“Do you guess I have some intricate purpose?”
Enthusiasts! The next time you find yourselves in some sticky bind, whip out some Whitman! See that your would-be insulter does not quiver in his sickly convictions!
Party Stoppers
Posted: February 22, 2012 Filed under: Other Leave a comment »“But does friendship require consent?”
“This gathering is awash in white privilege.”
“I have jock itch.”
“Those are some diesel light fixtures, dude!”
“Someone’s getting laid!”
“You certainly do try.”
“Excuse me—what’s your socioeconomic background?”
“Let’s have a moment of silence.”
Party Stoppers
Posted: February 21, 2012 Filed under: Other Leave a comment »“Can I palpitate your face?”
“You make funny faces in your sleep.”
“Would I were a woman and could partake in this accursed nattering!”
“I’m disappointed no one here feels comfortable discussing race.”
“You got any Bare Naked Ladies on the playlist?”
“Whither went the good times?”
“I’m going to talk to each of you, at length, about Jesus.”
“We’re hanging out tomorrow.”
Towards a Hermeneutics of “Woo!” and “Hoo!”
Posted: February 19, 2012 Filed under: Discovery, Enthusiasms | Tags: hangover, hermeneutics 2 Comments »In the United States, the nonsense exclamation “Woo!” is often used to proclaim the pleasures of drunkenness. While largely female in usage, not a negligible amount of men employ a robust “Woo!” to signal that the sheet is aloft and caught in a fulsome wind.
Less known, and more useful, is the nonsense syllable “Hoo!” which, when properly and enthusiastically sounded, serves as a palliative for a hangover.
“Hoo!” a fellow exclaims, sitting up in bed, his head wrapped in a pillow. “This is a remarkable hangover!”
The hangover is greeted warmly, embraced, and, so celebrated, subsides. Variants of “Hoo!” are also effective—”Hoo Boy,” for instance, or “Haroooah!”
The Psychopathology of Toddlers (Based on a True Story)
Posted: February 17, 2012 Filed under: Thought-Provoking Tale | Tags: toddlers Leave a comment »A formidable toddler approached.
“I am going to kill you,” he whispered.
Party Stoppers
Posted: February 16, 2012 Filed under: Other | Tags: party stoppers 1 Comment »“My imagination is wildly fertile and generative. I will now blow your mind.”
“Ten minute uninterrupted funk bass solo! Watch out!”
“Your cat is dead now.”
“Did someone order a party guest who doubles as an irrepressible fountain of joy?”
“I have an unquenchable thirst for ribaldry.”
“Puppet show?”
“Which one of these closets leads to Narnia?”
“I’m struck by this gathering’s lack of diversity.”
“I propose we discourse on the fear of death.”
“That’s a rather unlettered way of putting it.”
“I am not yet sated with good times.”
On Hot Oily Men
Posted: February 15, 2012 Filed under: Aphorisms, Discovery | Tags: hot oily men Leave a comment »If there’s one thing about a hot, oily man, it’s that such a chap is not easily wrestled.
It is rumored that the first hot, oily man was a dolphin in disguise.
An oily man is not often hot—nor a hot man, oily. But the expressions “Oily man, of standard temperature” and “Hot man, dry” do not come tumbling from the tongue.
The first hot, oily man in recorded history was none too pleased about his predicament as either hot or oily. It was, however, his fault for being both. He was a notoriously difficult man.
Curiously enough, most cannibals eat their men cold, and refrain from using oils in the kitchen.
The risks and injuries associated with being a hot, oily man are as rarely discussed as those associated with being an inexperienced yogi.
Hot, oily men report rapid acceleration, bruised ribs, strained thighs, slips of the tongue, growth of dorsal fins, overall discomfort, and shininess.
Once hot and oily, it is inadvisable for a man to read a book, stand near an open flame, conduct a cub scout meeting, or discourse on conservative principles.
The Provenance of the Bad Nickname “Text”
Posted: February 14, 2012 Filed under: Thought-Provoking Tale | Tags: nickname, Texas, text Leave a comment »I was in conversation with a not entirely disagreeable Texan.
“I don’t have a good nickname,” she said.
“No?” I asked.
“People call me Tex sometimes,” she said. “That’s about it.”
“That won’t do,” I said.
“No,” she said. “It doesn’t.”
I gave the matter some thought. The woman was a Texan. That was the extent of my knowledge about her.
“What about Text?” I asked.
“What?” she asked.
“Text,” I repeated.
The expression on the tolerable Texan’s face indicated I had suggested a bad nickname.
Bad Nicknames
Posted: February 13, 2012 Filed under: Other | Tags: nicknames 2 Comments »“Dumpy”
“The Cyst”
“The Ungulate”
“Captain Problems”
“Text”
“The Protuberance”
“Thunderpants”
“Bro Smell”
“Dog Shit”
“Rudy”
“Credit Default Swap”
McSweeney
Carson Cistulli
Dan Woytek
daynperry
Najib
Sean Casey
Dan Lurie
