Occupations for Which the Slogan “In it to win it” is Inappropriate
Posted: May 1, 2012 Filed under: Discovery Leave a comment »File clerk
Proctologist
Loser
Ascetic
Suicide bomber
Docent
Farrier
Pope
Valet
Step-father
Anti-semite
Children’s librarian
Pensioner
Pervert
Hospice volunteer
Alcoholic
Leaf-peeper
School nurse
Sommelier
New Enthusiast Koans
Posted: April 30, 2012 Filed under: Discovery, Enthusiasms | Tags: koan Leave a comment »Who is the Greek God of eating lunch?
What is the square root of having a terrific afternoon?
If I grow drunk on the nectar of what is and compose ecstatic verses (—only to find, when sober, that the verses are execrable!) would a reader in a similar state of ontological inebriation find textual pleasure?
Flavor Flav as Pedagogue
Posted: April 30, 2012 Filed under: Discovery | Tags: flavor flav Leave a comment »Flavor Flav understood what many teachers never do: a student’s chief concern is what time it is. Flavor’s answer: before your eyes.
Oligarch Treats
Posted: April 30, 2012 Filed under: Discovery Leave a comment »Deep-fried Unicorn Ova
Goldman Snacks
Chocolate-covered Leprechauns
Lines from Dr. Dre’s “Nuthin but a G Thang,” Revised
Posted: April 25, 2012 Filed under: Other | Tags: Dr. Dre Leave a comment »I continue to make my case: I am a fully-realized man!
I look good, if I might say so; I believe you might say so, too.
If female comrades demur, I’ll engage in civil discourse
And endeavor to disabuse them of misconception.
Last Words of a Bedridden Long Jumper
Posted: April 24, 2012 Filed under: Other | Tags: last words Leave a comment »“Would I were not bedridden, and could leap into this great expanse!”
Four Ways to Hide a Receding Hairline
Posted: April 23, 2012 Filed under: Other | Tags: receding hairline Leave a comment »1. Utilize evasive head movements; if possible, hide entire head.
2. Employ an elaborate visual gag at waist height that accompanies you throughout your day.
3. Make athletic use of eyebrows and equine lip movements to keep attention faceward.
4. Approach everything and everyone from an elevation.
On The Only Thing More Ghastly Than an Aging Man in Spandex
Posted: April 21, 2012 Filed under: Discovery | Tags: spandex Leave a comment »The only thing more ghastly than an aging man in spandex is conversation with an aging man in spandex. If an aging man is willing to pull spandex on and show the world the teardrop contours of his sagging bottom, there is no bottom to his dullness and limitations in conversation.
Party Stopper
Posted: April 19, 2012 Filed under: Other Leave a comment »“We have reached that chapter of the dinner party where I toss propriety aside and share unsolicited personal information. This evening’s discourse contains terrifying dream narratives, generous helpings of bathroom humor, and thinly-veiled contempt for some at this table!”
American Exigencies, American Paradoxes (or: To Yell “Woo!” into Night Skies)
Posted: April 16, 2012 Filed under: Discovery | Tags: gasoline Leave a comment »A young and, preferably, unemployed man must own a large truck without anything to haul in it, and the pipes to yell “Woo!” at elevated volume, at nothing at all. The truck, if it is to be used, is to be left growling in its baritone register in a parking lot, near a gas station at which gasoline runs four dollars a gallon.
McSweeney
Carson Cistulli
Woytek
daynperry
Najib
Sean Casey
Dan Lurie
