Lines Not to Utter on the Precipice of Losing One’s Virginity

“First time, long time.”


Selections from Ladies Love the D: The Tweets of Justin Pelletier

New Enthusiast contributor and University of New Hampshire sophomore Justin Pelletier made his long-awaited Twitter debut this week. Using the handle @ChicksDigJustin, Pelletier has taken to the microblogging site with gusto to issue his trademark boasts, incantations, ruminations, and penis aphorisms. Below is a choice selection of recent Pelletier tweets. Stay tuned for future dispatches.

I’ve got March Madness in my pants.

Thinking of getting a tatt of an AR-15 on my business.

I hold the record for being the youngest kid to blow up a car with a crossbow.

When I turned 12 I had to get an FID for my wang.

For a second there I thought Neil deGrasse Tyson had a whole TV show about my balls.

As soon as I finish eating this steak and cheese, the world shall know my name.

Apparently I have been marinading in white privilege.

My boy Dougie C. drank two thirty packs yesterday. He’s not conscious. Either blacked out or dead. Probably dead. #CircleOfLife

America’s purest poetry is uttered in anticipation of cheese steaks at food trucks after last call.

Last night I ate a theater kid’s puppet.

A Venn diagram of poetry and my junk would amount to a single circle.


New Enthusiast Koan #2

Get jiggy without it.


New Enthusiast Koan #1

Devise a sabermetrics of Narnia.


Not Really a Sexy Comment

“Hey girl, this beef isn’t going to corn itself.”


This Season’s Pilots, Part Seven

Three more recently announced television pilots.

Part: One / Two / Three / Four / Five / Six.

SNOW DAY

30-year-old hotel manager Brent Giuliano appears for jury duty, bracing himself to traverse its vast desert of boredom with the companionship of The Mammoth Book of Sudoku. After completing all Sudoku games in his book, despair encroaches. The day of civic obligation and Giuliano’s spirits are saved when, at the last moment, he realizes a fellow juror, one Darrin O’Brien, is the Canadian rapper Snow, whose hit single “Informer” provided much of his soundtrack for 1992. O’Brien does not want to address his early oeuvre, but Giuliano cannot be deterred.

WHITE POWER

The Aryan Nation of Northern Connecticut enters the green energy marketplace with its “Green Energy for White People” initiative. Designed to reach out to white/green liberals who harbor racial animus, the campaign is spearheaded by Wayne Terry, Grand Ofay of the ANNC and terrific bowler. The show follows Terry on his entrepreneurial adventure, which fails as his alcoholism blossoms.

YOU CAN’T BRING A SEAL IN HERE

Follow former Sea World employee and rogue animal trainer Wally Fluke as he brings his voracious pet seal Sir Snacks-A-Lot to various establishments that do not serve seals. Episode One: sushi bar. Episode Two: nursing home. Episode Three: oriental massage parlor. Episode Four: Alcoholics Anonymous. Episode Five: breastfeeding support group. Episode Six: water aerobics at YMCA. Episode Seven: Bunga-Bunga party. Episode Eight: summer residence of Louis Farrakhan. Episode Nine: Pyongyang.


Twitter Message from a Proctologist Friend

@NewEnthusiast Hey guys, just sent you a BM.


Notable Line from a Disney Remake of Wes Craven’s Scream

“The call is coming from inside the mouse.”


This Season’s Pilots, Part Six

Three more recently announced television pilots.

Part: One / Two / Three / Four / Five.

BARELY LEGAL
A Jackass-style show in which a group of otherwise polite adult citizens perform acts that are almost against the law, like keeping to one extreme edge of (although never actually exiting) a crosswalk while traversing a busy city street, or waiting, like, a full three-to-four days before requesting a new driver’s license after reloacting to a different state.

MEN BEFRIENDING MEN
A documentary-style program that records the awkward and slow process by which two heterosexual (and also generally white and middle-class) men establish a fraternal bond and attempt clumsily to share their feelings for one another.

MODEST HOUSE
A fantasy-genre sitcom in which a likable middle-class couple finds an affordable two-bedroom flat in a New York City neighborhood that hasn’t also contended with towering violent-crime figures in recent years.


Poem: Sound Advice for Anyone, But Mostly Kevin Spacey

Stop talking
about who
Kevin Spacey
should be
and just
be
Kevin Spacey


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 59 other followers