The New Enthusiast

News in Brief: Wrigley to Release New Retail Line of Xanthan Gum

Carson Cistulli — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 22:15:06 +0000

CHICAGO — Citing a need to “constantly innovate,” representatives of the Wrigley Company announced today that they had plans to release and market a new line of xanthan gum for retail sale. Xanthan gum is, of course, known better as an obscure ingredient — used as a food-thickening agent or stabilizer — in frozen goods and salad dressings.

When questioned about the wisdom of the decision, Wrigley representatives responded that they “couldn’t afford to leave any markets untapped,” noting that, if xanthan gum proves as popular as expected, that the company would consider manufacturing and distributing guar gum, as well, by the end of the year.

Ice Cube’s “It Was a Good Day” Translated into Ancient Greek and Then Translated Back into English

Carson Cistulli — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:56:26 +0000

Today I didn’t even have to use my spear, hoplon shield, short sword (i.e. xiphos) or wear the 50-60 pounds of armor typical for a citizen-soldier of the Ancient Greek city-states. / I got to say it was a good day.

Proper Reactions When Your Friends Tell You They’re Trying to Have a Baby

Dan Lurie — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 04:17:45 +0000

“Will you be trying tonight? Please tell me more.”

“Thanks for sharing. Have you heard the new Robin Thicke album?”

“That’s great. I’ll be over here in the corner if you need me.”

A Lamentation of a 99%er

Dan Woytek — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:21:07 +0000

“I like to consider myself only ‘cash poor’. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to measure wealth another way.”

On the Proper Appreciation of the Sandwich

Sean Casey — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:52:55 +0000

From the New Enthusiast FAQ:

Q: What is the proper appreciation of a sandwich?

A: When it comes to sandwich appreciation, there is no correct procedure. In this life, one must locate and cultivate one’s own jollies. If I were to do something totally nuts and generalize all sandwich appreciation, I would say it begins with direct contemplation of the “is-ness” of the sandwich: a realization that the sandwich is, and that which surrounds the sandwich is not sandwich. In a more elevated contemplation, one might be tempted to say that all is sandwich, and that that which is not sandwich simply does not register. Such non-dual awareness of sandwich, or oneness with sandwich, is an advanced state of attainment, but too often misses the point, which is lunch. So I say to the budding sandwich enthusiast: divide the world in two parts—that which is sandwich, and that which isn’t. Then do something about it.

Expressions that, like “Brrrr!,” Indicate a Low Temperature

Sean Casey — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:12:46 +0000

Grandpa’s crackers!

Holy shorts!

Orangutan Aureola!

Hoosier nuts!

Evil llama!

Fax machine!

Carpet cleaner!

Burlap snacks!

Goat cakes!

New Hampshire!

The Polyamory of Fantasy Sports

Sean Casey — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:21:07 +0000

Polyamory or, as it’s known in the Boston area, “bangin’ chicks,” has experienced a resurgence after a dormancy it entered in the late seventies. This past Sunday’s New York Times credits the presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, who allegedly proposed open marriage to his second wife as a means to indulge his prodigious taste for strange.

I propose a far less sexy explanation for polyamory’s comeback: fantasy sports. Here is the polyamorous urge writ large: I want a little of this, a little of that, and maybe one of those every blue moon. I may even like to retain a main loyalty to one team, but express freely my love for other players, at least for the time being.

The End of Probably an Amusing Explanation

Carson Cistulli — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 14:48:51 +0000

“… and that’s why they call me Mozzarella Balls.”

Greek Fragment #12

Carson Cistulli — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:00:15 +0000

From a series of Greek fragments from the 7th century BCE.

Despite the fact
that she has fewer holes,
a woman isn’t necessarily
easier to play
than a pan flute.

On Double Chocolate Milano Cookies (II)

Sean Casey — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 16:45:28 +0000

Here is another entirely valid and considered response to a Double Chocolate Milano Cookie:

The chocolate is always the prize, but too much of a prize takes from the thrill and endurance of its reward. In order to forever thrill before you, Milano Cookie, I would have you reduce in chocolate, increase in wafer. I would have, as it were, less pleasure, so that I may have more pleasure.