New Theory of Behavior

When I drink coffee, I advocate fiercely for the wild liberty of the mind. When I drink beer, I become a leading vessel of bonhomie in the world. When I drink wine, I denounce all exertions unambiguously.

In conclusion: my conduct is informed neither by nature nor by nurture, but by beverage.

One Suspicious Type of Person

I’m wary of those who navigate life by means of their aspirations. Recently, for example, I saw a vanity plate that read RUNMOM. The back of the car was littered with promotional decals for long-distance races.

Preferable are those who identify more closely with their missteps — the woman driving on the highway with the words Just Divorced scrawled cheerfully across the rear window.