Dear Kingsford

Dear Kingsford Charcoal

I got pretty drunk on the fourth of July, celebrating America at my girlfriend’s parents’ house.  We had really great chicken.  Around 1 AM I took the can of Kingsford brand lighter fluid and drew a giant penis encircled by a heart on the driveway.  I thought I would set it on fire to impress my girlfriend, but it wouldn’t light, and now there is a huge penis stain on her dad’s driveway and my girlfriend won’t touch me anymore.  It’s a new driveway.  How can I clean this shit up?  Her parents are coming home soon.  Your product is really great.  It always sets on fire.

Sincerely,

Brent

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