BREAKING NEWS: Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) to Move Bowels in February

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky announced Wednesday that he will be moving his bowels in February of 2013. “I do it every three years or so,” McConnell said. “It’s quite the event. Lots of doo-doo.” McConnell has already cleared his schedule from February 11 to February 15 in anticipation of the evacuation. “It only lasts two days,” McConnell added, “but I start getting emotional two days before, and when that happens I can’t keep myself from shouting racial invectives. One full week should do her.”

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