BREAKING NEWS: Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) to Postpone Annual Bowel Movement Due to Government Shutdown

Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky announced Thursday that he will postpone his annual bowel movement due to the ongoing government shutdown. “I’m going to hold it, and I’m not happy,” the Minority Leader said. “In fact, I’m cranky.” McConnell had originally scheduled to pass the stool over the coming weekend and had drawn up provisional plans for his absence early next week “if she’s intransigent.” The senior senator from Kentucky said he was taking this measure to register his agreement with frustrated constituents. “If the president and Congress refuse to do their job for the American people, I won’t do mine.” McConnell, 71, reassured supporters that his health will not be affected by the delay. “This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ll just have to avoid hot mics. I tend to let slip racial invective when I’ve got one in the chamber.” Asked how long he could conceivably wait, McConnell replied, “As long as it takes. I didn’t poop once during the Clinton years. I’m an American.”

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