When asked if literature could act as a surrogate for religion,
he yelled and slammed his opponent’s hand on the table,
winning not only the grand prize but also his son’s affection.
The object of the game is to remain entirely motionless
lest anyone notice the priceless expression
forming on the Ultimate Warrior’s face
as he runs full speed into a terrifying job market.
The hot news of the day is Zika virus
spreading across the noodles mom just cooked.
In Florida today, a man has been convicted
of breaking into a pregnancy test.
He’s being held up to the sun,
so officials can examine the strange markings.
I’m not blameless myself, of course.
When presented with an opportunity to give back,
I just sit in traffic for an hour,
humming the theme song from my colonoscopy.